ALEXANDRIA – In a press conference Thursday, Judith Grimes, daughter of Rick Grimes and his late wife Lori, announced that in her estimation, the time has come for humanity to “just let the walkers eat us already.”
“Look, I know I’m a kid and I’m supposed to be your best hope for the future and all that,” the toddler said, “but I mean come on. This world sucks. Do you know how hard it is just to find diapers? Half the time I’m lying around in my own urine, for god’s sake.”
When questioned about the progress her father seems to be making in terms of assembling a group of allies to attack Negan and instill a more democratic, merciful form of government, Grimes replied by saying, “He has good intentions, but truthfully, it’s a pipe dream.”
“All I’m saying is, the chick he’s teaming up with threw him in a pit with freakin’ zombie Sonic. And who else is he trying to rope into this? A nut job with a pet tiger? I don’t exactly like our odds.”
When asked why the extinction of the human species would be preferable to its continued existence, she replied, “Admittedly, this might be a little selfish of me. Maybe adults can handle this shit better than I can. But think about it. I’m basically going to get no education. And how many other kids my age do you see around? Not many. So my dating prospects are essentially nil. The future is not looking bright for my generation. Glenn and Maggie must have been on crack, am I right?”
“And let’s be real,” the cherubic little angel added, “how many episodes has it been since I’ve even made an appearance? Where the hell have I been all this time?”
“Look,” Grimes continued, “I’m not saying I’ve got a death wish or anything. Life isn’t all bad. Those cookies Carol made were pretty good. But my point is, it might be time to start considering reincarnation as a viable alternative. Maybe we’d all come back as like rats or cockroaches, or something better equipped to survive in this nightmarish existence.”
Editorial note: This piece is, of course, intended as satire, d’uh.